Punk Rock Bowling 2009 – Sam’s Town – Las Vegas, NV – January 2009

Every year for the past 7 years, I've been systematically killing my liver and lungs in Las Vegas. To me, Punk Rock Bowling is the best party of the year. I tried writing about every glorious moment that happened this year but it came out looking like a C student’s 10 page term paper on alcoholism.  So instead of going into detail on every single thing that happened, I’ll focus on the highest and lowest points of the trip.  I’ll also include tips on how to make your trip to punk rock bowling next year a more pleasurable experience.

This year the people in my hotel room were my brother, Co-Cola, my girlfriend, Whiskey Christie, my roommate, Samantha Beerhouse and my friend, Jennifer Boobers.

THURSDAY- Road Trip

Before we even make it Sam’s Town, my carload gets into town just in time to catch Stab City destroy the Double Down Saloon.

Punk Rock Bowling Tip #1 - Pay 10 bucks extra at the front desk for a mini fridge.  Las Vegas doesn’t have a lot of healthy food so keep little fruit and vegetable snacks in there. After three days of booze, your body will thank you.

FRIDAY- Gear Up

I start the day completely forgetting we are already at Punk Rock Bowling.

Punk Rock Bowling Tip #2 – Stock up on booze and know the booze deals.  A short cab ride away from Sam’s Town is Lee’s Discount Liquor which is a supermarket sized liquor store.  The advertised booze deals at the casino this year were not the best.  Several of the other bars and restaurants had better deals and cheap pitchers of cold beer.

We catch the first of many low rent laser and water show at the atrium bar.  You have not lived until you have seen 100 punks singing, “I’m Proud to Be an American”

San Diego legend, Bearpaw, hands out the 2009 Punk Rock Bowling buttons.  Mine reads, “Making 2009 My Bitch”.

Jennifer Boobers shows us her hold the beer between her breasts and take a drink trick.

Skippy Simon shows off his now infamous America Pants.

Punk Rock Bowling Tip #3 – They can’t water down beer.  Cocktails here come with perfectly measured shots.  If you slip the bartender a 50, he’ll still give you one perfectly measured out shot. If you’re a cocktail type kid, bring a flask so you can spike your drink.


FRIDAY – Kick Off Show

The Ignorant gives a drunken wet performance.

Off With Their Heads kicks a drunken moron of girl off the stage and then dedicates their song, “Idiot”, to her.

Once again, the Dwarves make us realize that they are truly rock legends.

No one stays for the Casualties.  In fact, no one called the show a Casualties show, everyone referred to the show that evening as The Dwarves show.

SATURDAY- Does any bowling actually happen at Punk Rock Bowling?

Drank like a Viking which means drinking from a pitcher of beer.

Every time Todd C. from the Underground Railroad to Candyland and Toys that Kill scored anything less than a strike, his buddies would boo him.

Ryan Markley and Joey Balls from Old Man Markley did half naked lap dances for each other at the bowling alley.

Punk Rock Bowling Tip #4: If you’re not bowling, watch Tiltwheel bowl.

Tiltwheel is a phenomenal band from San Diego whose antics remind me of the Harlem Globetrotters with the only difference being that they don’t come out on top.  Tiltwheel will play hot potato with the bowling balls.  Tiltwheel will carry a passed out member of their team and help him bowl.  Tiltwheel will make a cheerleader like pyramid and have the guy at the top throw his ball towards the pins. 

Whiskey Christie and I went to a party in one room with 50 dudes and one girl.  We left before the bukkake started.

Across the hall from that party was a party with 30 girls and two guys playing guitar.  We left before the dick sucking contest.

Joey Balls, Co-Cola and I made fun of the Punk rock cover band in the lounge area.  When they asked for requests, we’d rattle off the titles of Dillinger 4 songs.

Punk Rock Bowling Tip #5: Pace Yourself.  You want to party all night not pass out at the bar.  Stick to beer with cocktails or shots spread out throughout the night.  Take disco naps.  Have a drink of water every now and then.  The guy that passes out at the bar at 4pm gets thoroughly clowned.

SUNDAY:  The hangovers pile up

Party animal, Josh Brady, starts yelling at a guy who is saying that Gainesville’s Fest is better than Punk Rock Bowling.  “They are two different animals.  The Fest is bands bands bands.  Punk Rock Bowling is hanging out with your friends at a bar for 8 hours.”  No truer words have ever been spoken.

We share salami, string cheese and cherry tomatoes with the San Diego party crew.

Some girls come downstairs in their bathing suits to swim in the fake waterfall of the atrium bar. At the last minute, they chicken out.

We invent a game called Dick Fist Asshole. At one point we get an entire bar to participate.  It is like Rock Paper Scissors.  Fist beats Dick. Dick beats Asshole. Asshole beats Fist.  This entertained us for hours.

Josh Brady, Whiskey Christie, Tiltwheel’s drummer, Paul Trash and I decided that we had to start a new band called Adam Hairiola. 

SUNDAY – Awards Ceremony

Josh Brady persuaded me to take off my shirt and join the Bros Gone Wild crowd for Tiltwheel.  It was the most comfortable I ever felt at El Premier.

Tiltwheel blew me away.  Their song, “All I Care About is Me, My Rum and You” sent me to a magical place and their two Replacements covers, “Skyway” and “I Can’t Hardly Wait” had us all cheering. 

At one point in Tiltwheel’s set, the infamous Razorcake writer, the Rhythm Chicken, graced us all with a short and wonderful ruckus.

Back at the hotel, one of my friends was attacked by two “witches” with black eyes.  They spat on him and he freaked out.  Another one of my friends told me a story about these hot girls who spat on him and took him to the Jacuzzi.  One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Lowest Points of the Weekend:

5th place Lowest Point: I totally missed the Nacho & Jaeger party on the seventh floor on Saturday.

4th place Lowest Point- We all missed countless after party type shows (Shark Pants, Black Fag, etc.) on Friday because our lungs were too full of smoke.

3rd place Lowest Point – The atmosphere at the venue, El Premier, is sort of like being in a jockstrap that has been used as an ashtray.  When we left the venue for air and then decided to come back in, they made us wait in the line all over again for another pat down.

2nd place Lowest Point- The Bodies came on after Tiltwheel on Sunday.  They put up a bunch of piñatas at the front of their stage.  They were cracked and instantly, there were mustard, mayo and ketchup packets all over the floor.  El Premier now smelled like smoke, foot, ass and hot dogs.  I decided that I hated The Bodies after that.  This also made me skip seeing CH3 and Manic Hispanic.

1st Place Lowest Point – On Sunday, Samantha Beerhouse left to go for a swim and when she came back someone stole her wallet.  The San Diego party crew assured us there would be a beat down if they found out who did it.

Finally, I will end this with the best story of the weekend.  Usually, the best stories from Punk Rock Bowling aren’t from the shows or the bowling but from something that comes from out of nowhere.

SUNDAY: Jerry Springer Shuttle Ride to the Tiltwheel Show

The thing that is great about this story is that I don’t know any of the people involved.  Still, the few names I did pick up from this shuttle ride have been changed.

Co-Cola and I took a seat at the back of the bus.  There are two girls making out next to me.  It is something that I’d like to look at but I decide that it would be more polite to keep my face forward.  I’ll admit that I stole glances here and there but I really tried not to stare.

The smaller girl, Monica, starts coughing. Her friend, Curt, jokes, “What is the matter? Are you choking on a Lesbian?”  The whole bus laughs.

Monica and the bigger girl, Delores, go back to making out.  A few seconds later, Delores’ hand is on Monica’s crotch.  It goes from just being there to moving back and forth slowly to moving faster and faster until you can hear the rhythm of it pretty loudly.  Monica scoots down in her seat and has a full on orgasm right next to me.  At this point, I was staring.  It was too hard not to.

As Monica’s orgasm subsides, this dude, Tyler, four seats up says, “You lost your best friend for a fat chick, Monica”

Monica: You aren’t my boyfriend anymore, Tyler!
Tyler: but I’m still your friend.
Curt: Monica, that isn’t cool.  I mean making out is one thing but-
Monica: He isn’t my boyfriend ANYMORE!
Curt: but he is your friend and you have a kid together.
Monica: So what! And he can just call her Fat?  That isn’t right.
Curt: You’re drunk and this girl is taking advantage of you.
Delores: No. I’m not.  I care for her-
Curt: Who ARE you? You’re not going to be here tomorrow. Monica, you’re drunk.
Monica: I’m not that drunk.
Curt: You’re the drunkest I’ve ever seen you.  You’ve been drunk for 3 days straight.  This girl is gone tomorrow.  You have a kid with Tyler.
Monica (crying): but he can just call her fat?  That isn’t right.

Then Delores started crying too and then I whispered to Co-Cola, “JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!”

It went on and on with a lot of crying and yelling.  Then some punks start going through the radio stations and I yell, “Turn off the fucking Eagles”

The Shuttle gets to the Awards show and everyone jumps off the bus. Incidentally, I never saw Curt or Tyler again but I saw Monica and Delores walking hand in hand for the rest of the night pausing only to kiss each other.

That is pretty much it.  See you next year.
 

-Joe Dana-

For more photos of the madness go  HERE
 
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